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So I’m watching Scrubs and I found a new game to play… but I don’t know with who. Well, I guess I can’t play with anything, I don’t know anyone that is actually secure with himself to play this game. Actually, I only know one, and he’s gay, haha. I’m secure with myself, even though sometimes gay people freak me out. I’m straight, don’t hate! haha.
The scene goes like this:
Dr. Cox is having a ‘moment’ with his best friend that he hasn’t seen for years, Jordan’s brother, and they get close… like real close… and just when they were about to kiss… Dr. Cox chickens out and Jordan’s brother is excited and says “Yes! I’m the king of Gay Chicken!”
I started cracking up so much, I was literally rolling on the floor laughing my ass off [ROFLMAO].
Oh man… gay chicken, LOL!! Seriously… funny stuff. Scrubs surprises me every episode.
You know in T.V. or in stories where you see families stick together, like ’cause they’re close to each other, in relationships and in distance. I wish I had that… well a bigger one at least. I still love my cousin’s here, Sacramento, Oklahoma, Philippines. But I wish they were close, I’d like to get to know them and hang out with them. But they’re not here, and that makes me all emo inside.
Friends… you know in T.V. or in stories where you see friends that are so close to each other and when they see each other’s families it’s like their second/adopted family…? I wish I had that… but I don’t, and it makes me all emo inside.
But what I want… what simply is… and what I need are all different.
I have to remember that when I’m moving through this life alone. This is so depressing, I hate depressing stuff. I need to do something about this, but I don’t know what to do, I need guidance.
Until I find what I need, I will continue to pray for people not to have a bad side of life like I have. What I mean by that is, I do have some loving people in my life, but there are empty and void-like spots in my life as well. I will pray that no one has things like that, and fill it with light and colorful things.
Wow, look at me, do I even know what I’m talking about anymore? Haha.
I think this will be my personal quotes from now on:
“I can’t do this all on my own. No, I’m no, I’m no Superman.”
“Even if we can’t protect others by extending our hands… We desire a blade for those hands to grasp…”
I took my mother to the hospital again last night. She had high blood pressure again. The problem is that she has the wrong medicine. Pfft.
On a lighter note, I slept at 11p.m. – 12a.m. -ish, and I woke up at around 8a.m. – 9a.m.-ish, I really like this new sleep schedule it rocks.
So let’s see… in the gaming world right now I am currently playing: Counter-Strike and Ruff-R.O.S.E. hardcore. And I just got back onto Guild Wars cause of Ron. I forgot how we started talking about it, but I think he likes it now. I finally get to put my unused accounts to use.
I feel so sorry for her. Every time I look at her now, I view her differently. It hurts inside to see her so weak. The doctor said she needs a week or two of recovery, but I can’t stand it seeing her like this. I hope she goes back to her old self. I really wish I could spend more time with my parents, but I can’t. They say what I do or say irritates them, and it’s somewhat the same for me. It’s my side, but they irritate me because they state the obvious, they repeat things a LOT to me, they don’t trust me 100%, they don’t ask me to do things with them. I irritate them because I snap when they repeat things too many times to me, I reply sarcastically to the things that are really obvious that they point out. They reason why I snap back at them because of this is because sometimes I feel that it’s like they are insulting my intelligence. I am forgetful at times, and I am human and I do make mistakes, but have they ever witnessed me (at whole or in part) make huge mistakes? Or mistakes as trivial as forgetting to turn off the T.V., the heater, or the light?
I’m always hoping for the best in our relationship. And I want to spend time with them, because I love them. I just don’t know if it’s going to last. Or I wonder if it’s too late already.
I need a good cry… but I can’t let anything out. I can’t “let my guard down.” I can’t display my emotions to people. I am by myself. If I keep this up, I’ll be mourning for impending time my parents will die, I will mourn the day when they die, and I will mourn every time something reminds me of them. I really don’t think I can move on at times. Only 3 times I’ve been like this. One time was when my grandpa passed away. Another time, I will not mention, for it is too embarrassing. And another time I will not mention, for it was so stupid, and when I mean stupid, I mean really, really, really, really stupid.
“So deep… that it didn’t even bleed and catch me off guard, red-handed, now I’m far from lonely. Asleep, I still see you lying next to me. So deep, that it didn’t even bleed and catch me…”
Maybe it should be… “So weak…” … “I still see you taking care of me.”
Oh God… I’m weeping now…
[Emo. Emotion. Emotionally bombarded.]
I absolutely hate the hour of the wolf. [Note: "The Hour of the Wolf" is the hour between night and dawn. It is the hour when most people die. It is the hour when the sleepless are haunted by their deepest fear, when ghosts and demons are most powerful.] Every night, I experience this. I experience me being alone when I’m older. I experience the loss of my parents. I experience the loss of all my friends (close and far). I experience the loss of family. I experience a life excluding God and all of the wonderful things that God created. This is when the ghosts haunt me the most, and my demons enfold onto me. But I can’t do anything. In my mind, if there is no one there to hear what I have to say or see what I do, it is pointless to do or say anything. So I hold in my tears. I hold in my screams. I keep my thoughts that need to be heard locked in my head. Maybe I should write it here? No, I can’t. This blog is for the things I want to keep track of. But the these things are etched in my mind, so what’s the use of writing it down here if it will remind me everyday in my mind?
Just now, in my WinAmp playlist, it’s playing a nice song that is related to this blog entry. “Delorean” by No Dice.
“I’ll take my chances living in the past, cause those good times fade away, and I’ll know they’ll never last. I’m living memories that I have of you, it’s all I really need, it’s all I really need to get through…”
My father is getting sicker. He coughs a bit more than often now, and more louder than usual. Maybe it’s me growing up, but he looks smaller than he used to be. My mother suffered a mild stroke this past weekend. That’s why she went to the hospital. She lost feeling in the whole left side of her body. She’s all right now. Thank God.
Me? I’m O.K. with this. Even though financially I’ll be at a standstill if my parents leave me, I’ll be fine to move on. I will have my little time to mourn, but life will go on. I’ll love them to death, same as with my grandpa. I miss him too.
[Cascading thoughts, weaving through the emotions of the present, to form a solid state of a constant future.]
I was thinking, when people say “If I could relive my whole life, I wouldn’t change a thing.” This could also include “I do not regret life, or anything I did.” If someone where to ask me that question, I would say that I’d change everything and relive a new life. I say this not because my current life isn’t good, I’m saying it because you only have one life to live. If someone could live again in another life, I would love to experience things that I couldn’t in my previous lifetime. If you loved your life enough to relive it again, then you’ve accomplished all you can in that life, and it’s time to move on to another one. You still have the memories of what you have, and that’s all that matters. I learned that from Sweet November, I absolutely love that movie.
P.S. I can’t help to think that my last paragraph somehow contradicted what I said before. Correct me if I’m wrong… or if I’m not wrong.
Well, nothing really exciting has happened. Haha, made ya look. 
So Matthew wakes me up today at around 1030ish and asks if I wanted to go eat a Pho 87 in Chinatown. I said yeah, I got ready and he picked me up. When we got there, we didn’t know if they accepted Credit Card or not, and we got owned, they accepted Cash Only. Dammit, get with the 21st Century!! Pho You!!!!
On another note, Starcraft 2, could be well on it’s way. My hopes are high, as always, with any Starcraft 2 announcement. I hope they call it Starcraft Universe instead of Starcraft 2, it’s more fitting. But that doesn’t matter, what I really hope is that they do not go Massively Multiplayer Online (MMO) with it. It better be Real-Time Strategy (RTS), or I’ll be pissed. If it goes 3D like Warcraft 3, I would be slightly aggravated, but it will be Starcraft nonetheless.
Football, good stuff. We played football today, me and the guys. We got there around 1230-1ish, and it didn’t get started until around 2-230. But we still had a good time. The MVP goes to Francis, with his gazillion touchdowns. The Best Defender goes to Ron, just because he put so much effort and dived twice for tackles, I could never dive for a tackle unless we really need it. I’m just too lazy, haha. I didn’t have my A game, I had sore throat/kind of sick. Oh yeah, the ‘Sickness’ on the title works both ways, football was sick, and I am sick, haha.
And let’s not forget about 24. Another great two hours of 24. A surprise ending… THEY BLEW UP LOS ANGELES. Wow, they have balls, lol. I like the way it turned out. Can’t wait till next week. You know what I just realized? I’m missing RAW right now. I’ll get back to you in a bit.
Daymn………………………. the first half of the 4 hour two day premiere of 24 was ownage. Jack Bauer FTW. Can’t stop, Won’t stop the best Counter-Terrorist there is. Well, anyways, that was my 2 cents. Good Night.
I think the percentage of times I wake up at around 12-1 in the afternoon is mainly because I want the day to go by already. I want it to be tomorrow, and I’ll do anything to get there. On the other hand, I don’t want the days to go by, I want to savor everything minute, every second. But, there’s no one for me to share those precious seconds and minutes. Sure, I can fill it in with my parents, my family, my friends, but I’d like it much to be with someone that wants to be with me, a significant other. Right now, it’s replaced with Anime and Movies that I download, or, for the most part, games. I like gaining a level or completely dominating the other team with my superior gun handling skills, but I would give it up to be with someone real.
I have sort of experienced it a couple of times, but it wasn’t all that great between the two of us (twice). I guess I didn’t feel that it was the right person. I really don’t regret it, it was a learning experience, both of them. You could argue that there were other reasons why I left them, but I left them cause it didn’t feel right to me. It’s O.K. though, God’s got a plan for me. God’s got a plan for everyone. I like that, cause now I have a new reason to wake up early: God’s little surprise for the next day.
I’m so hungry right now, I can’t even think of what to get, and my parents ate already. I haven’t had a bite to eat since yesterday afternoon. I’m not done for burgers of any kind, and I want to eat more healthier, but don’t want Subway, haha. Aww, eff it. I’m going to drive around until I find something tasty.
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